Mental Health Insights

With almost daily headlines focusing on suicide rates and the rise in mental ill health, thanks in part to the Covid19 lockdown, we are planning to offer free suicide awareness training to all.

On Thursday 10^th September 2020, World Suicide Prevention Day, we are hosting an online training session to help people gain a better understanding of mental ill health and equip them with the knowledge, skills and empathy needed to feel confident in offering support to someone in need, or in a mental health crisis.

Su Hallam, Charity Manager at Shawmind, said: “Having a basic knowledge of mental ill health and awareness of the support systems available to people who are experiencing mental ill health or suicidal thoughts can make a real difference in a mental health crisis situation.

“How many times do you hear ‘I wish I knew they were feeling that way, they could have talked to me’ when someone has died by suicide?

“Spotting the signs early on and having the confidence to approach someone (as long as it’s safe to do so), to start a conversation can be all it takes to enable someone with the help they need.

“We want to reassure people that they won’t make things worse by listening to someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts. But by taking the time to listen to them, you might pick up on something that could offer them hope – hope is a very powerful thing, hope can save lives.”

Death by suicide claimed the lives of 6,507 people in the UK in 2018, the majority of whom were men –  who are three time as likely to die by suicide than women. Men in their late 40s still have the highest rate of suicides, but alarmingly under 25s accounted for a startling 23.7 per cent of suicides in 2018.

Mental ill health affects one in four people each year – around 792 million people worldwide. In England, mental illnesses are more common, long-lasting and impactful than other health conditions.

Su added: “Our volunteers have been even busier than usual during lockdown, with more and more people from all corners of the UK approaching us for support.

“I’m hopeful that if we’re able to equip more people with a basic understanding of mental health disorders then the whole of society will benefit in the long-term as we learn to help each other.”

Hosted on our YouTube channel, https://bit.ly/ShawmindYouTube, the suicide awareness training will be delivered by Su Hallam live at 10am and 2pm. It will then be made available to stream at any time for those who cannot make the daytime sessions.

If you subscribe to our channel then you will be able to find us more easily on the day.

If anyone has a question about the training or would like to get access to a dedicated Shawmind support volunteer, get in touch by email to enquiries@shawmind.org 

The mental health and wellbeing of the nation has been pulled into sharp focus following the lockdown and subsequent limitations imposed on ‘normal life’ thanks to Covid-19.

In a range of new reports by the Office of National Statistics, the mental health and wellbeing of people across the UK, particularly of parents and children, has been highlighted as an area of concern.

In the ONS’ latest report on education and childcare one of the most startling findings was that ‘Between 3 April and 10 May 2020, of parents who were homeschooling, one in three women (34%) agreed that it was negatively affecting their well-being compared with one in five men (20%), while 43% of homeschooling parents agreed that it was negatively affecting the well-being of their children’.

In addition, ‘During this period, only half of parents who were homeschooling (49%) strongly or somewhat agreed that they were confident in their abilities to homeschool their children. Parents also reported that homeschooling was negatively affecting their jobs and well-being’.

Peter Wingrove, Operations Director at Shawmind, believes that companies and organisations owe it to their employees to take heed of these stats, particularly with the six-week summer holidays days away.

Peter said: “It’s been a steep learning curve for all of us during lockdown: with the best will in the world no-one could have planned for everything this crisis has, and continues to throw at us. But I believe that employers should be looking at this report and thinking about how they can truly support their staff, particularly those who have juggled childcare and homeschooling, while still delivering at work throughout lockdown.

“When we realised the nation would be going in to lockdown, we quickly set in motion a range of volunteer-led tele-services to continue to support those in our local community who were regular visitors to our Breathe Cafes, Pop-Ups and ManCave groups. We didn’t want anyone to be without the support they needed.

“We also took our mental health and wellbeing training courses, which were due to be launched in April, online so that people could access them from anywhere in the country, while still benefitting from the live and interactive format of the sessions.

The charity is particularly proud of its training courses aimed at children, teenagers and parents – Monkey Wisdom, which is delivered by professional trainer and ex-teacher Tana Macpherson-Smith who also created the series.

In the sessions, parents and their children are encouraged to address key areas of concern and work together to find a way to move forward for the benefit of the whole household.

Meanwhile, businesses that want to boost their staff and invest in their long-term wellbeing can talk to the charity about their mental health programme, or book on to the charity’s workplace mental health courses, which will not only help foster an environment of support and openness, but will also help staff to better process their own thoughts, feelings and emotions, thereby building a more resilient workforce now and in the future.

Peter concludes: “It is widely realized that the long-term affects of Covid-19 will be felt well into the future, at home, work and school. It’s time for businesses and individuals to take serious steps to embed mental health and wellbeing in the workplace, at home and at school.

“Our courses are just step one, but by equipping people with more information about mental ill health and wellbeing and providing some tangible tools to help people cope when things get too much, we believe we can make a change to society for the benefit of all.”

I have been sitting on my laptop, staring at my screen for the past hour trying to think of a way to introduce this blog, but I’m struggling. How do I introduce something that makes me so vulnerable and shares one of the most difficult events in my life? I don’t think there is an easy way to introduce this topic and that’s why I am sharing my story, to reduce the stigma and the shame that surrounds mental health. If my vulnerability helps one person feel less alone when the world seems to be against them, it’s worth it.

Last year I faced a challenge that changed my life, a close family member got sectioned for 3 months due to a psychotic mental breakdown. After 3 months, in 3 different psychiatric hospitals, she was diagnosed with bipolar.

This close family member was my mother. I always knew something wasn’t right, she often had erratic and unpredictable behaviour but refused to get help. She stopped paying interest in my school work, was unable to get out of bed, and refused to go into shops. Yet, some days she would decorate the whole house and spend money that we simply didn’t have.

My friends would often say how happy my mother appeared to be, but as soon as they had gone, things were a completely different story. Living with a family member with a mental illness feels extremely lonely and scary, how is it fair that everyone else seems to be so normal and happy?

So how do you cope when a loved one suffers from bipolar?

1. Make yourself your number one priority. It’s not easy to prioritise your own mental health when someone you love is struggling, but you have to. If you aren’t coping yourself, how do you expect to be able to help the person you care about?
2. The most important thing you have to do is talk and be open with how you feel. Talk to a family member, a friend, a counselor, or even your neighbour’s cat if it will listen to you for longer than 5 minutes. It’s so incredibly important that you don’t bottle up your feelings or ignore them. Suppressing negative emotions will come back and make your life a lot harder in the end.
3. When they say something horrible, or act out of character, try not to take it to heart. When someone’s brain is constantly fighting against them, it can be unbearable and frightening for them. When my mother was struggling, she often said vulgar, horrible remarks which she simply didn’t remember when she got better. It’s essential to remember, it’s the illness talking, not the person.
4. Surround yourself with positive people. The world can be horrible at times but it is important to have a glass half full approach to life. Positivity and optimism always win. However, remember it is okay not to be okay. Allow yourself to feel every emotion, it’s okay to feel scared and helpless, just don’t stay there.

Remember every person’s mental health battle is different. As a society let’s be more understanding, open-minded, and realise that mental health isn’t an excuse, it’s real.

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind” – Jennifer Dukes Lee

Carrianne Dukes is a Digital Marketing Executive at eComOne and SEO Traffic Lab. 

After studying Marketing Management at The University of Lincoln, Carrianne found her passion in content writing, social media marketing and events. 

She has a strong love for Alpacas and Orangutans! She enjoys socialising with her partner, sister and friends.

For many people we look at what happened to them earlier in life as a reason for why they are shaped the way they are and for me this is no different. I wouldn’t exactly say I had the worst upbringing ever, but I certainly had a handful of things that you wouldn’t want anyone to go through.

I suppose the first thing was my dad leaving when I was six, that in itself probably wouldn’t have been too bad but it was the whole “taking sides” thing that followed; with me being Team Mum and my brother being Team Dad. The main issue here is that my brother chose to be on Team Dad, but even if I had wanted to team dad only had space for one son.

And that’s the way it went for about four years. I believed the Lee had dad and I had mum and that’s all fine, dad didn’t have space for another kid on his team so it was nothing personal. Then my first sister was born and two years later my second. Team Dad was now four strong and team mum was left to the two of us. I remember the exact moment I realised that it wasn’t that there was no more space on the team, there was just no space for me.

Around this time, Team Mum became “Team Nan” instead, as mum started her own business from our living room in order to keep a roof over our heads (dad wasn’t supporting us financially), and my nan stepped in as my primary caregiver. This was good for a couple of years and I can’t honestly say there was any real struggle, except the crazy amounts of poverty that come with your mum mortgaging the house to launch the business, but I was shielded from most of that at this point too and despite how much she struggled my mum always put food on the table (well actually it was the ironing board, her business was on the table!)

High school however would be the place where everything would change. I went to an ok high school to begin with, I chose to move away from my friends to be in the same high school as my brother… can’t think why I would have done that! The school was all boys though and when there weren’t any girls to distract the early bloomers with they took their frustration out on me, I didn’t stick around long enough to find out if there was a culture of bullying at this school or not, I had a knife pulled on me in the October of Year 8 and I ran away never to return.

Instead I headed to a school which I later found out was the 14^th worst in the country. Things went well for a little while, but when another kid followed from my previous school and told everyone why I had left they labelled me a victim and it was like the bullies could smell the fear on me from a distance. I was first beaten up for being poor or knowing the answers to questions (which in the 14^th worst school in the country isn’t difficult!) Then I developed an eating disorder and piled on a lot of weight and was bullied for being fat.

I developed a sense of humour as a way to keep myself out of trouble – with the bullies at least, got me in a load of trouble with the teachers but they gave out detentions rather than kicks to the head – and as a result my school grades began to sink. In Year 10 my attendance to school was 32% because I was just too terrified to go in, outside of school was safer, or so I thought.

Then one day I was out playing football (wearing my school PE kit because we couldn’t afford any sports clothes) I was accosted by this one older kid with around 20 of his mates. I was forced to the floor, beaten and forced to eat grass whilst half my school looked on and did nothing. After that day I lost the ability to eat anything green until way into my twenties.

Thankfully after that summer we moved 45 minutes away from Liverpool to a little town called Southport. I turned up with a scouse accent and a shaved head and I’m glad to say bullying didn’t follow me there. However, all of this experience so far had led me to have non-existent self-esteem so in the new school I was wary of everyone and anyone, I made friends, but I was always waiting for them to turn on me or leave me.

The same was true when I finally got my first girlfriend at 17. I was convinced she was only with me because she pitied me and always thought she was going to leave me. So, to stop this from happening, and 100% in the belief that no one would ever love me again, I proposed to her 10 months into our relationship, two months before I was even 18; we were married two years later.

I’d love to call this the happy ending, but I was still 100% convinced it was all a big ruse and the You’ve Been Framed crew were going to pop up at any minute. My entire relationship was based on the idea that I wasn’t worthy of love, that she didn’t really love me and that I was the worst human in the world.

None of this was true, yet. In fact, the first two parts never became true so I had to prove the last one so she could see it and I cheated on her. I told myself all sorts of reasons why I did this at the time, tried to justify it, tried to push the blame away from myself, but the truth is no matter how much she showed love, I was blind to it and when someone else showed me nothing but lust I mistook this for true love.

The affair didn’t last, I’ve too much of a guilty conscience and told her about it literally two weeks in. We broke up for a while, got back together, I cheated again, we broke up, we got back together and finally, knowing that I was probably going to cheat again, I broke it off; she deserved so much more than me but I wasn’t ready to step up.

By the end of the relationship we had two kids together who were 2 and 4. Out of this relationship I swapped a wife who was dependable but reserved when it came to expressing her feelings, for falling hard for another person who would declare their love for me in overt and poetic ways but was chaotic and unpredictable. I loved one side of this, but I couldn’t handle the other.

But hey, I threw myself into it despite knowing that I could not exist with such instability and ended up in quite possibly the most destructive year of my life. I am reluctant to call it an abusive relationship, the truth is we were really bad for each other when we weren’t busy being good for each other. But I was manipulated into a position where I ended up cutting ties to all of my friends and family, and when all I had left was the girl, the girl left.

I know in hindsight that a lot of my isolation has been down to my own actions but I found myself in a position where I literally had no one, with the exception of my two kids who I couldn’t even be a good dad to. They deserved so much better. I hit rock bottom and I allowed myself to believe the worst, that the world and my kids would be better off without me. So deeply entrenched in this belief I concluded that the way for my kids to have a better dad was for me to step aside and make space for one to appear; so in August 2009 I made an attempt on my own life.

I didn’t leave a note, instead I called my mum to say goodbye, we weren’t really on speaking terms due to the whole ex-girlfriend situation, but determined for this not to be her last phone call with her son she, the police and an ambulance soon turned up at my house. Reluctantly I let them take me to the hospital.

Once there my mum was busy asking all the questions no suicidal person wants to hear “how could you do this?” “How could you be so selfish?” “Did you not think about your boys?” I didn’t want to hear those questions at the time, but let’s look back at them now…

How could you do this? Well, I really saw no other option, I was in so much pain and I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. Plus, I believed I had lost ALL my friends and family so I didn’t want to start all over again with no one to turn to and no support.

How could you be so selfish? I didn’t see it as selfish, in fact isn’t it more selfish to want me to live with this pain? When someone is suffering from a terminal illness how many times do we take relief in their death because they’re no longer suffering? Did I not deserve that relief? I’d already alienated everyone so who would have even missed me anyway?

Did you not think about your boys? Yes. All the time. And I believed they deserved so much more than the waste of space that I was. I know you’ll never understand it but in that moment the truth is distorted so far that you can 100% believe that you are doing this FOR them and that it is a good thing. I hate that you can’t understand that, but I also hope you’re never able to because the only way to see this viewpoint is to stand at the precipice yourself.

But as I said, on that day I didn’t want to answer these questions, so I ran away from the hospital. On the way I bumped into one of the friends I had alienated, a friend who himself had been in an almost identical position 18 months earlier when I had walked with him to stop himself from killing himself, held him, listened to him and stayed until he was safe. He saw me, turned to his girlfriend and said “leave him, he’s just doing it for attention!”

Thankfully I carried on walking and ended up at the door of my best mate (who at this point was not speaking to me) and I said to him the words I wished I had said BEFORE the attempt. “Mate, I know we’re not speaking, but I’m really struggling and I need my best friend right now.” Without hesitation he took me back to the hospital and stayed with me until I was discharged, then looked after me for a few days afterwards and continued to check-in with me regularly.

I’d love to say that after being pulled back from the precipice I immediately woke up and was a renewed man, but life rarely works like that. Instead I went on contemplating new ways to kill myself and believed it was only a matter of time. Between this and sleep the only other things I did was play computer games and watch movies, the former passed the time, the latter saved my life.

One night I was watching a French film called The Diving Bell & The Butterfly, a true story about a man with locked-in syndrome who could only communicate through blinking. Using his blinks he wrote a book with the help of a rather ingenious nurse who worked out a system for him to produce words. In the book (and now the film) there is a part where he goes to the beach with his kids, they are running around and playing he, he – strapped into a wheelchair and hooked up to all manner of life support – can only watch as their life goes on and his seemingly doesn’t, that hit me hard.

However, what came next hit me even harder, in that scene he says the following line “Even a sketch, even a shadow, even a fragment of a dad is still a dad”. In that one moment everything I thought was thrown into a new and different light. My kids DID deserve a better dad than me, but instead of moving to one side and allowing this man to emerge I decided to dig in and create the man right where I stood. To turn the sketch into a life model, to be the man who casts the shadow, to take all the fragments and make them whole.

And for 11 years that is what I have done. Baby step by baby step. And as I sit here typing this, I can hear my two boys – now 13 and 15, practically men themselves – play games together (in their respective rooms playing Fortnight over WIFI!). I have got to see them grow. They have got to see me grow too, into the dad that they deserve. That old relationship ended and less than a year later I met the love of my life, a woman who I will be celebrating 10 years with in just over a month. That best friend who took me back to hospital got to be my best man at the wedding and has just had a kid of his own who is my honorary niece. My mum? Well she got to have many more phone calls, many more hugs, a rejuvenated relationship. And that kid who all those years ago was bullied into poor mental health for having the answers in class? Well I know stand up in front of classes of kids and teach them how to find the answers for their mental health.

Dave Cottrell is a mindset coach and public speaker. He is the host of mental health podcast Master the Mind, Master Anything. Search @MindsetByDave on all social media platforms.

‘Being a British man means that the idea of talking therapy or counselling with a stranger is like being asked to run naked through a funeral!’ This quote from one of the contributors in my new men’s mental health book, Big Boys Don’t Cry?, sums up one of the biggest challenges men face: the difficulty of opening up about what’s going on inside our heads. And yet, we know how crucial this is for our mental health. ‘Talking’ was number one of the top 10 tips given by the 60 men – and partners of men – who shared their stories of mental health struggles for our book.

Download the Big Boys Don’t Cry? e-book

The backgrounds of our contributors are very diverse – lawyers, postmen, soldiers, construction workers, Big Issue sellers, businessmen, former professional sportsman – which highlights that anyone can be affected by mental illness at any stage in their lives. Mental illness simply does not discriminate – it’s very inclusive. 

The causes of the mental illness described by men in our book also vary greatly: loss and bereavement, childhood bullying, a chemical imbalance, the violence of war, the breakdown of a marriage, sexual abuse – but they do share common ways of combatting mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicidal thoughts.

The men in Big Boys Don’t Cry? provide over 200 tips and advice for staying mentally healthy, aimed at other men (and women) who may be struggling. We have boiled these down into the following 10 Top Lessons:  

1. Talking – without doubt the most important step you can take. Nearly every man in the book stresses how crucial it is to reach out to family and friends when you’re struggling, however impossible it may seem at the time. Not one of the men said they’d regretted opening up about their problems and many of them said it had literally saved their life.

2. Therapy – following naturally on from ‘talking’ is the advice from men to seek counselling. Whether it is group therapy arranged by your local National Health Service, a peer-group or one-to-one therapy with a private therapist, the benefits of sharing your negative thoughts, previously locked inside your head, with an impartial and non-judgmental listener/s are immeasurable. Cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT, which helps manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave, was a very popular approach taken by the men in this book.

3. Medication – many of the men writing in the book admit to feeling sceptical and afraid at first of taking antidepressants – often SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as Citaloptam and Fluoxetine or Prozac – but found that medication really helped lift them out of a dark place. Combining prescribed medicine with another of the activities found on this list, especially talking therapy, is recommended as the best approach.

4. Visit GP – often one of the first steps that the men in the book took. Speaking to their doctor was the start of their recovery and just having a trusted, neutral person listen to their problems and offer guidance and support made the effort to pick up the phone and call the local surgery extremely worthwhile.

5. Mindfulness – the simple act of focusing on your breathing and learning to be present – not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future – is a surprising and enlightening gamechanger described by many of the men in the book who had previously thought meditation was, as one writer put it, ‘airy-fairy’. It’s definitely worth giving it a go, if you haven’t tried it before.

6. Exercise – whether it’s an individual activity like running, going to the gym or taking a yoga class – or a team sport like football, rugby and cricket – a large number of men pointed to the proven benefits of physical exercise. Despite often struggling with fatigue, listlessness and a lack of motivation, they found that even five minutes of exercise released those helpful endorphin chemicals that made them feel a whole lot better.

7. Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion – learning to tame your inner-critic and accept yourself for who you are, ‘warts and all’, was seen as a key step in recovery for many of the book’s contributors. Being kind and compassionate to yourself, lowering your high standards and trying to avoid the pitfall of perfectionism were common themes within the men’s stories.

8. Avoid Alcohol or Drug Abuse – the message from men in the book is clear: turning to drink and drugs (or any other self-medication) to avoid your problems, although very tempting and understandable, is simply not the answer. Those men who have recovered, or are recovering from addiction, say that they only began to get better mentally when they became sober. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and their 12 Steps programme is cited as a great support for many men struggling with alcohol addiction.

9. Faith – having a belief in something greater than yourself – be it God, Buddha, Allah or another higher power – is a great comfort to many of those who shared their story. In a world which places such a high value on commercial and material success, having something spiritual in their lives gave these men a greater sense of meaning and purpose.

10. Hobbies – finding something to be passionate about – just to distract yourself from the ‘grind in your mind’ – was recommended by many of the men in the book. Photography, gardening, Sudoku, a pet dog – whatever you’re interested in – try and make time for old hobbies and be open to new ones too.

If we’re ever going to reduce the number of men tragically taking their own lives, we need to encourage men to open up, not to ‘man up’. Easier said than done, of course with our traditional ‘stiff upper lip’ approach to expressing emotions.

One of the book’s contributors, 57-year-old Gregory, explains how he used to think that, ‘Emotional expression was not for men like me: an ex-rugby player, mixed martial arts and professional businessman. Talk to a stranger? Talk to a therapist? Talk about my feelings? Feelings, as far as I was concerned at the time, were for others.’ But after seeking treatment for depression and suicidal ideation, Gregory describes how he cried every day for 18 months. ‘Looking back, I know I should have talked and cried a long time ago. Big boys don’t cry? This one does and is proud of it. Vulnerability is strength.’

Big Boys Don’t Cry? by Fabian Devlin and Patrick Addis is available to buy now as an e-book from bit.ly/BBDCbuy (£10). 10% of proceeds from the book will be donated to mental health charities, CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and Sport in Mind

Follow us on Twitter (@BBDCbook), Facebook and Instagram (bigboysdontcrybook) #DontManUpOpenUp

Fabian has worked in communications for nearly 20 years, publicising major organisations like Sky, ITN and The National Lottery, heading up the comms team for national children’s charity Chance to Shine and, most recently, setting up his own freelance consultancy, Devlin Communications.

Fabian is passionate about mental health and, following his own experience of anxiety and depression, he has co-curated a men’s mental health book, ‘Big Boys Don’t Cry?’. The collection of 60 stories from men from different backgrounds with lived experience of a range of mental illnesses, was launched in May 2020 (bigboysdontcry.co.uk). Fabian lives with his wife and daughter in South West London and enjoys mindful meditation, playing cricket and walking his King Charles Cavalier spaniel Star.

As we approach the halfway point of the year you could be forgiven in thinking ‘I’ve had enough’. We should be looking forward to a summer of sport on the TV, holidays abroad and lazy weekend afternoons in the beer garden, relaxing with friends. Sadly, it’s looking unlikely that we’ll be able to enjoy any of these things for a while as the ‘new normal’ doesn’t allow it.

A cold pint, sharing conversation with others and indulging in your favourite summer sport are vitally important to your mental health, although I imagine the significance of these – and other down-time activities – were not truly appreciated until they were no longer allowed. These simple things in life provided comfort and distraction from life’s stresses – and when they are taken away they leave a gap; and that’s when emotions and mental health are tested. An idle mind can play cruel games; without the positive and usual distractions, it is easy to be overcome with negative emotion and a sense of loss.

Thankfully, it feels more acceptable to discuss mental and emotional health than it did a decade ago. I believe, this is partly due to the effort of Prince’s William and Harry who have not only been honest and frank about their own thoughts and feelings, but have also invested a great deal of time and effort into promoting mental health services and the importance of talking therapy.

Despite the Princes’ work, for a lot of men, sharing emotion is still something they are embarrassed to talk about. During a counselling session, I often encourage men to explore what is holding them back and the response is often a fear of being judged or shamed; something which a counsellor will never do. In the safety of a therapy room – and once a trusting relationship has been established – I am able to empower men to appreciate and understand their inner self. And guess what? Men cry! There is nothing embarrassing, weak or negative about a man crying – it is a gateway to personal relief and self-exploration – and leads to many light-bulb moments.

In times of crisis, it is important that we all appreciate life from a different perspective. We can choose to go with flow – and accept the things we can’t change, or we can fight against it and waste personal time and effort. Life now is about making the best of a bad situation and making positive choices which benefit everyone. Going to the pub is no longer an option, but they will be open soon. Foreign holidays are cancelled, but you can enjoy local green spaces with the family and no doubt – when it is safe to do so – the terraces of every football club will come alive with the sound of enthusiastic fans once more.

It is with football that I first remember seeing a man cry – not just a little tear, but a full-on lip-wobbling gush. A 98^th minute yellow card, during England’s epic 1990 World Cup semi-final defeat to West Germany, had the world gripped with ‘Gazzamania’. The broadcast media took delight in not only showing the iconic footballer crying, but thousands of fans expressing their disappointment. The following morning, a British newspaper printed the headline ‘Weep and the world weeps with you’.

Emotion is something deeply personal, but when it needs to come out there should be nothing to be afraid of; the last few months have been tough on everyone… Support others and you will be supported yourself; you don’t need permission, or even a yellow card to open up.

Duncan Ellison retrained to become a counsellor following over 25 years in the media, broadcast and live event industries. He lives in Newark and has recently qualified to teach counselling skills and theory to aspiring therapists.

I am personally delighted to see more empathy, promises of kindness, and trends to #bekind in the world right now. It is a shame that extreme events e.g. high-profile celebrity suicides have driven this, but it’s a timely call to arms to all of us to think how we behave towards others.

Unfortunately, this new movement has created its own meta-faction, the ‘be kind brigade’ a sadly ironic slur towards those who virtuously talk about being so, then a week later argue with people online and thoughtlessly ignore social distancing rules to protecting each other.

We need, as a more-than-ever interconnected human race, to practice what we preach. For those who are cynical, and/or those who have their own challenges to deal with just know this; according to Australian Institute of Family Counselling (AIFC), people who practice kindness have “lower stress than the average person” and “kindness improves mood, depression and anxiety and stimulates the production of serotonin which heals wounds, calms and increases happiness.”

We all have a hunch about what kindness is and we all probably think that we’re kind, but I wanted to hold myself to a higher account and check out what it really means. First stop, the Oxford Dictionary where kindness is defined as: the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.

I would argue right now, being aware of your own levels of kindness is more important than ever and it feels rather timely, this thematic week of awareness. In this new/temporary/future world of COVID-19, I feel I have seen more kindness than ever overall.

To understand how to be kinder, let’s break down the three areas of kindness per the definition, to enable us to address.

Be Friendly

The act of being friendly and pleasant to each other, friend or not. We all deserve this don’t we? Do the oh-so-British thank you ‘nod’ to the person who stands at least two-metres aside on the path to let you pass. Saying ‘after you’ to the fellow shopper who wants to grab the yoghurts from the chiller in the supermarket to show you are aware of their needs and personal space. COVID aside, don’t honk horns and don’t bite at everything you don’t agree with.

Be Generous

Jack Dorsey, Founder & CEO of Twitter, donated $1bn of his net worth for coronavirus relief. As incredibly benevolent as this is, it can be humbling for us mere mortals. Honestly speaking, with business as it is the last couple of months, I’d struggle to donate £1. But that is just it, have a think about what ‘currency’ you have to offer. I have had more time on my hands and a means of transport. I have knowledge and skills in what I do for a living (marketing) that I can share that. In relative terms, I feel very lucky. As a result, I have aimed to be as generous with my time as possible by picking up the shopping for the old couple who live near my parents, and offering to help some small businesses with website and marketing ideas pro bono. I like to think this is generosity, however small. You don’t have to be a tech entrepreneur/philanthropist in Silicon Valley to be generous. Just make me a cup of tea – milk, no sugar please.

Be Considerate

It’s as if this was meant to be right now, and the tenet of kindness most needed right now. Consideration is by definition performing acts that are not to the detriment of others. When I hear about gatherings at city parks being planned by ‘anti-lockdown’ groups, I think, putting it lightly, this feels inconsiderate. To put others at risk whilst prioritising the relieving of your own frustrations. The face masks for example. It is meant to be less for you, more for others (stop spreading particles when talking etc. I’m no epidemiologist to speak of its efficacy, but the principle remains.

Conclusion: All of the Above Please

Right now, THE ABOVE feels all the more pertinent. I would add in the extra layer of thoughtfulness, that duly underpins all of this, be thoughtful to others and their mental health. Think about being friendly, generous and considerate. We can all practice kindness right now. It doesn’t have to be Gandhi-esque, it might just be a FaceTime to an old mate, or a Whatsapp of a stupid meme of an in joke.

Whatever you do, just be kind.

Simon Akers is the founder of Archmon, a growth marketing consultancy, a mental health advocate and friend of Trigger Publishing and Shawmind.

In my previous profession, I spent many years treating patients with, amongst other issues, insomnia, anxiety and depression. After a lifetime of being an ‘easy sleeper’, I never expected to find myself in the same position.

Life always has a way of throwing us all a ‘curveball’. Back in 2008, I’d heard rumours of something called a ‘credit crunch’. Those rumours turned into what became the most stressful period of my life to date. Of course, all these things are relative but, to each of us, we can often only focus on what’s happening to us right now. By the end of 2008, the business that I had grown from seed started to come crashing down around my ears. All I could think of was the look on the faces of my wife and children when I told them that we were losing our home. As I was an employer, this had the potential to affect twelve other families, as well as my own. All this at what was to become one of the most difficult recessions for almost a hundred years. This only heightened my concerns. So, the prolonged worry over what turned out to be at least a two-year period, eventually started to take its toll on both my body and mind. The chronic anxiety that developed was eventually partnered by depression, both of which I had plenty of experience treating in the clinic but very scant first hand personal experience.

I didn’t want to worry my wife, my parents or my young family. That felt like it would just make things worse. I didn’t want to worry my employees, either. So, I just ended up bottling it all up. A recipe for disaster. The insomnia, night-sweats, palpitations, nervousness, worry, anxiety and depression started to take hold.

I didn’t consult my GP because of the terrible stories from my patients of the lack of help they received and my witnessing the side effects of the medications they were prescribed. There was a sheer pointlessness to the approach, as I saw it. I didn’t want to consult my own colleagues for treatment because I felt I needed to appear as if I was holding it all together. I was convinced that the only real solution was to ‘get a grip’ and change my circumstances. That’s no mean feat when one can’t think clearly for long because of feelings of anxiety.

Fortunately, I was equipped with a tool kit to help me manage my symptoms: Tai Chi and various meditative techniques had been a part of my life since I was a young man. They’ve long been shown to have a profoundly beneficial effect on both body and mind. I’ve been teaching these ancient arts for the benefit of other people since 1996. Now, it was time to walk the talk for my own benefit.

The significant turning point came when I realised I had only two choices:

1. Getting a grip
2. NOT getting a grip

I didn’t fancy the latter because it meant continued suffering; and I’d had quite enough of that, already. I had to get through this crisis using careful, considered thinking and develop a plan.

I got myself a coach to get that invaluable third party, impartial perspective and worked consistently to follow my plans. I accepted my symptoms as part of the challenge and included their management in my overall plan using:

• positive affirmations
• regular Tai Chi practice to regulate my body and mind

In time, my mental state started to improve, my body started to relax and my business started to turn around.

Ten years or so on, that business is not only still alive but has prospered without me since I sold out to my employees in 2015 to pursue a new career in coaching, myself. I’ve always believed that there are practical solutions to most any healthcare scenarios and managed to prove it to myself through this experience.

I can’t say that my symptoms disappeared overnight. Inevitably, there is a practised behavioural element to these things. Now and then, I would still wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling of panic and sense of impending doom. However, in time, I became able to transpose these feelings through conscious choice and practised process. Just like anything, it’s a skill that is honed gradually over time.

Life is never without it’s worries. Buddhism teaches that ‘life is dukkha’, which is often translated as ‘life is suffering’. However, I prefer the translation ‘life is challenge’. Indeed, it is only through challenges that we develop and grow. One thing I have learned, with time, is to show my vulnerability. It takes a great weight off one’s shoulders.

Sean Barkes is an Executive Coach, Mentor, Business Consultant, Strategist, Thought Coach, Unconscious Assumption Identifier, Faulty Thinking Detective and Habit Analyst at Refinity.

In 2017 our charity championed children’s mental health education by raising 103,000 signatures for the landmark Parliamentary debate which led to children’s mental health education being made mandatory in schools from September this year.