Mental Health Insights

Men really don’t ask for directions, and most also don’t speak about the mental wellbeing challenges that they go through. Either we feel we don’t want to burden our partner, or we feel it’s weakness, or perhaps even just write it off to ‘tiredness’ or ‘normal stress’ that will pass… This is really unhealthy.

The pandemic has pushed a lot of us into new territory as we have had to come to terms with back-to-back online meetings, rapid-response emails, stuck hours on end in our ‘online prison’ as we’ve adapted to working from home and the time-saving tools provided by the lack of a commute. This was all good and well in March, when we first went into lockdown and we aimed to beat the virus in short order…

Then the reality set in: the virus is not going away any time soon, we are not going to be able to do the things we did in February; see the people we saw, see our relatives, travel and explore like we once did… Downward the mental health spiral.

It doesn’t need to be this way, as I was reminded the other day when speaking with a good friend of mine with a terminal illness, and reminded again last night during our ManCave session: we need to reframe our thinking about our current environment, about the situation we find ourselves in.

Here are some tools to do this:

Mindfulness, calming your noisy thoughts by learning to be present in the moment, to focus on the place and time you are at this very moment in time, is a very good way to learn to control negative thoughts.

Gratefulness: my terminally-ill friend told me about how grateful he is to have spent so much time with his kids and his wife, how lucky he feels for having had a career where he could have fun and travel the world – a very different perspective to being negative and bitter about his illness.

And finally, adapt your behaviour to these new circumstances and environment. Purposefully, mindfully, gratefully, let go of toxic things in your life – including toxic people. Work on those bad habits. Focus on what you can do to release the things that are holding you back or dragging you down.  Read more. Walk more. Talk more…and if you need to talk, we’re here to listen.

Peter Wingrove is the CEO of Shawmind

Let’s take a moment to consider Sigmund Freud, the so-called father of psychotherapy. A quick image scan on Google provides many images – most of which are similar; a stoic man, wearing a three-piece suit, with a pocket watch and a cigar.

Following a first counselling session with a client, I always ask the same question: Am I different to how you expected me to be? The answer – in most cases – is: Yes, I thought you’d be wearing a suit. Do people expect their counsellor to be more Sigmund, and is it a relief when they are not?

There are many other names that have influenced the world of psychotherapy, but Mr. Freud is the one who – more often than not – springs to mind. And for men particularly, if they are not expecting me to be a cigar smoking, suited therapist, they expected me to be a free-loving, sandal wearing hippy. None of which come close!

I can understand why people have skewed ideas as to what ‘therapy’ is. It is only recently, that people have begun to accept that mental health is a real thing and it’s okay to speak out about it.

Statistically 60% of men say they would discuss their mental health, but only with their partner; that is a great start but why is there a reticence to hold back on talking to a professional? Can you imagine breaking an arm and only telling your partner?

Let’s blast some the reasons why men particularly, don’t want to discuss their mental health:

1 – I’m too embarrassed I totally get this. If you have been brought up to think mental health isn’t a thing and men don’t suffer with emotional issues, then it will be embarrassing to consider help.

Let me tell you, I have seen some of the toughest, biggest, hardest men you could possibly meet, cry during their first counselling session.

When I am working with men who let their emotions go, all of them say afterwards how good it felt to be free of whatever they were holding in.

2 – I don’t wish to burden anyone. So how far do you go with that broken arm? Does it need to be hanging off before you’ll get it checked out?

Going to see a counsellor is as much of a burden as taking yourself to a walk-in clinic to have your arm put in plaster.

Whether you are referred to an NHS service, a charity specialising in a particular area of support, or choose a private practice, you’ll be seen by a counsellor who will listen.

You don’t burden a bus driver, a bank clerk, a fire fighter, a barber… you are not a burden; you just need the services of someone who is trained to facilitate your needs.

3 – There is a stigma regarding about talking about mental health.

There certainly was a stigma, particularly with older generations. In WWII, airmen who were exhausted, anxious and plagued with depressing thoughts were tagged with the label lacking in moral fibre.

Employers after the war refused to take on anyone with such ‘degrading’ credentials, so it’s easy to see why no one wanted to open up. And this fear and caution toward mental health has been passed down from generation to generation.

We have the Royals’ to thank for change – Princes William and Harry have been open about sharing their experiences both in conflict and at home.

Whilst this doesn’t help anyone who is concerned about how their friends and family may view them if they reach out for help, I offer this assurance: No one but you and your counsellor need know about your sessions or issues raised within, they will be private and confidential.

4 – I don’t want to admit a weakness. It’s okay to feel unsure about yourself. The contradiction in life is that people will view you differently to how you view yourself.

When a child looks up to an adult, they do so in awe. They don’t see the cracks, they see pioneers and influencers.

When an adult looks toward an adult, they more often than not see another person surviving in an uncertain world.

Doubt is an internal feeling; no one can see or touch it, yet it still impacts on how we present ourselves and operate in the environment we live and work in.

Counselling will help you to change your perspective – your frame of reference, so you no longer identify as weak, but as experienced with positive growth ahead.

5 – I’ve learnt to deal with it.

Brilliant, that shows resilience – and that’s a good thing. The mind can play funny games though; have you dealt with it, or are you in denial?

You may go for years thinking you have overcome something you felt very deeply about, only to find the door to that part of your mind has suddenly been unlocked again.

That’s no weakness, just a reaction in the here and now. Talking about it again will help you review your perspective, so you can accept it in a way which satisfies you.

Now we know what is holding people back, let’s focus on the perception of what counselling is – or isn’t. The word itself is far from clear; the term therapy and counselling are one of the same – a little like actor and performer.

In this case, the provision of professional assistance focussing on psychological issues.

Unlike what the dictionary may say, a counsellor does not give advice – nor has an agenda, or directional control of the relationship. Your counsellor will have every confidence in you to dig deep and share your fears and concerns, so that with positive support and reflective discussion you’ll find your light-bulb moment. This will help you realise new thoughts, ideas and actions.

Whilst this might sound passive, a counsellor will be focussing on what is being said – or not said, and concentrating on implied meanings and body language – subtle junctures allowing for deeper discussion.

Imagine your brain as a suitcase; your counsellor will help you take everything out and sort what isn’t needed, then work with you to neatly pack your clothes back so you have more space for more things.

A counselling session is completely, 100 percent, unequivocally confidential.

Do your homework to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with, so that during a session you can off-load with confidence – and be assured that whatever you say will remain in the room.

You’ll not know how comfortable you’ll be until you speak to a counsellor, so pick up the phone and have a chat before you commit.

Finding the confidence in you to overcome your own objections and make that call, will be the hardest part of your therapeutic journey. Once you’ve nailed that, give yourself some positive regard and move forward with an open mind.

Counselling is a deeply private notion. There is no need to tell the world – unless you want to of course. You’ll be able to release the negative issues in your life, whilst also concentrating on how to move yourself forward… it’s empowering stuff.

The world has changed – and attitudes change too. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself and see how people react when they notice a change in you.

And for a final note. You don’t have to worry about laying on a couch… you’ll sit on a chair, in a comfortable office with someone who just maybe, has been through a mental health issue themselves.

Duncan Ellison retrained to become a counsellor following over 25 years in the media, broadcast and live event industries. As a counsellor, he specialises in working with men and is keen to encourage and empower men to find their authentic self and better understand their mental health.

I’m in a street fight with Depression and it fights dirty, using all the sneaky tricks it can. It knows they work – they’re tried and tested on millions of people daily. I’m going to need a strategy, a battle plan to defeat Depression or at least push it back from its control of my mind.

Here are some of Depression’s favourite tactics:

1. Isolate – Depression loves you to be alone, to think you’re the only one in the world who’s suffering, so it persuades you to withdraw, cutting you off from your vital support network. Texts from friends and family remain unopened, calls unanswered, get-togethers cancelled. You find yourself gagged and silenced by shame.
2. Ruminate – Depression wants you selfishly all to itself so you can spend hours upon hours reliving ‘mistakes’ you’ve made, swallowed up in negative thoughts that churn in your head, looking for solutions that are always out of reach and ungraspable.
3. Deflate – Depression wants you to remain stuck, immobile, joyless. There’s no way it wants you to do anything that could possibly help you lift yourself out of the rut. Exercise? Meditate? Cook? No chance. ‘You’re too tired,’ Depression slyly tells you. It loves to disrupt and create chaos so any form of routine or structure is a big ‘no-no’. Depression hates order and ideally wants you up all night and in bed all day. It loves it when you’re tired – so much easier to keep a hold of your mind in its vice-like grip. It will disrupt your sleep and enter your dreams.
4. Self-hate – Depression drips poison into your ear, fueling self-critical thoughts: “You’re weak,” it whispers, “You’re useless, you can’t do it, you can’t cope”. Drip, drip, drip constantly until you believe the incessant lies.

Well, f*** you, Depression! I’ve got a plan – a counter-attack – and these are just some of the weapons I will use to defeat you:

1. Staying connected – I’ll not hide away as you want me to, I’m going to keep in touch with and family, join peer support groups, be open about you and my fight against you. I’ll not be silenced.
2. Being mindful – I know how helpful it is to practice being in the present moment, catching my thoughts when they veer into the past or future and gently bringing them back to the present without judgment. I’ll even try sitting with difficult thoughts and accepting you and your sidekick Anxiety, rather than constantly trying to push you both away – you’ll really hate that as it’ll rob you of your destructive power.
3. Re-introducing helpful, enjoyable activities – I’ll walk the dog, do some gardening, have a bath, watch a comedy, play with my daughter, go for that run – even if it’s only for five minutes. I’ll move again, sing again, laugh again. I’ll find joy and light to defy your Darkness.
4. Practicing self-compassion – I’ll speak to myself with kindness and understanding, as I would to a good friend. I’ll not compare myself with others (either positively or negatively) knowing that ‘Comparison is the Thief of Joy’. This will in turn help me to be compassionate to others – the many others – who are also struggling in this uncertain world. Because we have strength in numbers and the more we shed light on you and your underhand tactics, the weaker you will become.

You want a fight, Depression? Well, bring it on!

Fabian Devlin is co-author of men’s mental health book Big Boys Don’t Cry? with Patrick Addis, which has 60 stories and over 200 tips on how to stay mentally healthy from men with lived experience of mental illness. Order a limited paperback copy by emailing bigboysdontcrybook@gmail.com (£10 + £2 postage). 10% of proceeds will go to mental health charities CALM and Sport in Mind.

A lot of aspiring authors believe they have a story in them. But sometimes, what they fail to realise that they are that story.

Writing a memoir can certainly be therapeutic, as it gives you the chance to take a step back and analyse your life and decide where you want to go next. But writing a mental health memoir, well, that’s something that can help so much more.

Helping You

I think we’ve all known people who felt their mental health was something to be ashamed of and that they had to hide it away; writing about it for everyone to read can be extremely liberating.

In addition, writing about your own mental health journey from the place you’re now in can provide you with a sense of pride, as you can reflect on where you were and how far you’ve come.

Helping Your Loved Ones

One of the biggest difficulties with having mental ill health is that it can feel impossible to make other people understand. This is where a memoir comes in.

When you try and explain what you’re struggling with to other people, it can be hard to get the point across; you’re competing with their phone notifications, the TV in the background or the fact that whilst they seem awake, they’re mentally still tucked up in bed.

Alternatively, writing allows you to carefully consider what it is you want to say, and how you’re going to say it. This then translates to the reader dedicating all their attention to the words on the page. If they can absorb your words in a quiet and distraction-free environment, the penny may finally drop.

Another important distinction between talking and writing to your loved ones is emotion. It is never easy to explain how you’re feeling without the fear of upsetting someone or becoming so upset yourself that you fail to make yourself heard.

By writing down your thoughts and feelings, this ensures that the reader understands everything you’re saying before responding.

Helping Others

Just as we can have problems with our physical health, we all experience problems with our mental health, to varying degrees. This means that sharing your personal experiences has the ability to change other people’s lives.

You may write a memoir about a struggle you had which you felt was totally unique to you and your environment, but you know what? I bet that someone else is feeling exactly the same way right now.

By reading how you felt and how you learned to cope, this person’s life will be changed, as you have provided them with real evidence that it does get better.

The conversation is just starting to open up about mental health, but there is so much more work to be done. By writing your story, you not only contribute to this discussion; you also educate others.

Memoirs are a great platform for education around mental health because you can share exactly how you felt and what you experienced.

This can be important for other people to read as they can relate to their own lives. For example, if a boss has noticed an employee taking a lot of sick days and then reads that your depression started by missing days of work, they may take note of this and talk to the employee, to offer them help.

As you can see, writing a mental health memoir has a multitude of benefits. So, I guess the next question is, where’s your pen?

Emily Casey, Cherish Editions, the mental health and wellbeing self-publishing specialists.